The Many Sides of Vulnerability

Written by Dorothy Martin-Neville, PhD

Even with the many books, articles, podcasts, and Ted talks, concerning vulnerability, for so many it is still seen as a fragile time, if not a weakness, to be hidden or protected from so that the “enemy” doesn’t jump when you are most incapable of protecting yourself.

Rather, what if that concept, that understanding, was only one sad if not horrific version of what it means to be vulnerable? What if vulnerability was also seen as a sign of strength? What if being vulnerable showed that you were choosing to be undefended, to be wide open to seeing the areas of growth possible at any given moment in time? What if being vulnerable was seen primarily as a major first step in the process of growth?

When we need to be “firm” or “strong” and hold our position no matter what, our ability to learn or understand further is greatly impeded. Openness to another perspective allows us to expand our way of thinking. It allows us to acknowledge that no matter how far we have come, no matter how intelligent or experienced we are, there is still so much to learn.

Yes, allowing others to see us feeling extremely vulnerable after a break-up, a job loss, bankruptcy, or a major failure, can be humiliating. By owning the mistake, and/or the rejection, and the decisions that led us to that place, we have not only the ability to heal but also the ability to learn so much from the experience. That is a sign of major strength and resilience, far more than a sign of weakness and frailty.

From another perspective, intimacy is a major element in true connection. Your willingness to be vulnerable defines the level of intimacy you are willing to bring into a relationship. In all honesty, it also defines whether or not that relationship will last. We all know marriages that lasted for decades yet the relationship lasted for 10 years, perhaps. Guess what was missing…

In business dealings, the willingness to be vulnerable and even intimate, through transparency, with yourself and others, may call you to see your position at a company, in a relationship, or even a country, as something you now realize you need to change. The willingness to see what is, rather than what you want it to be, can make you feel very vulnerable. It may also cause you to see why you have worked hard not to see, to not know. You knew on some level you would then have to deal with feeling so vulnerable, frightened, and immobilized.

That reality honestly opens you up so much more authentic strength in the decisions you will make, the changes you will embrace, and the freedom you will finally feel in being so honest with yourself and others. Frequently we realize it’s something we have been avoiding dealing with for any number of reasons.  Rationalizing why you should keep everything the same may start because of fear or even dread of the tasks involved. Sometimes it’s the fear of disappointing others that impedes our decision.

In any of these situations, however, the real question becomes: How comfortable are you with intimacy, with yourself as well as with others? With yourself, it means owning what you truly know in your gut as the truth – and what isn’t. In making this choice, you feel cleaner, clearer, freer, more alive, and more authentic by acknowledging that knowing. Own it. I didn’t say without fear or sadness just make that choice to be authentic, real, and intimate with yourself. The vulnerability feels so clean, empowering, and alive.

Acknowledging who you are with all your strengths, fears, and vulnerabilities and sharing it is the test. When you are comfortable in your own skin there is little to no difficulty in sharing your truths and who you are when in a conversation with someone you are close to or love, and even, with discretion, with others. It is always worth the risk.

None of us are perfect at it. None of us are always willing to risk judgment, fear, seeming failure, or being seen as less than what our well-crafted image has projected, yet growing in vulnerability supports greater leadership, better partnering, and a greater sense of self-worth. Those and the inner peace that follows, are all worth the effort of risking it all.